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| This is Luke’s last day of coaching cross country. I am soo glad!  With not having close friends nearby, I am pretty restricted with my outdoor adventures when he is away since I don’t want to go alone (mostly for safety reasons, but I also do prefer having company in general). It was a beautiful day today and I wanted to go hiking. Since that wasn’t really an option, I decided to go running instead. I didn’t run far. Just around the neighborhood block three times. Since we live on a dead end street the “block” includes cutting back through the woods for about 100 feet to connect with next street, which added some excitement for me since I ran beside the pond there where there was the small danger of falling in due to the steep hill and slippery leaves. Anyway, I had to do something to give my day a little more interest! So I ran. Almost immediately my body resisted being set into motion. It complained and did not cooperate when I told it that running is good for both the mind and body. It did not believe me; it thought this was nonsense and wanted to go home and sit down. But it did not matter because I had already decided that I was going to run three times around so I pressed on, pushing aside any thoughts of wanting to stop. "Think about something else," I told myself, "And whatever you do – just keep going!" I started praying about things that I am grateful for (incidentally, another helpful thing to do when you are anxious). By the second lap, things had improved and I was somewhat enjoying myself. Halfway through the third lap, I began to think of how nice it was going to be to afterwards to stop and stretch... and I found myself slowing considerably. "No," I told myself, "don’t think about that yet. Now is not the time. Just keep going!" Contrary to popular belief, I am not really a runner strictly for the sake of running. While I absolutely LOVE running in games I find running for long distances alone generally tiresome and boring. However, I have found it to be very helpful in controlling my worrisome nature so I employ the technique when no other, more fun, exercise can be found. Even though it can be difficult, I would definitely recommend it to anyone who is feeling anxious or just needs to jump start their day. You don’t have to run very far or for very long to gain a lot of benefits. Sometimes I pick a length of time to run (usually under 10 minutes) but I’ve found that choosing a specific distance to cover works better since I just run more slowly when putting in time. “So what are these supposed benefits?” you might be asking. Well, immediately after my run today (on the cool down walk) I definitely felt more energetic but more calm at the same time (which is the best combination, not like being either jittery or lazy). But most importantly, I felt more ALIVE! It was like my senses were renewed. I began to notice things. The scenery was so beautiful and interesting. I was aware of the subtle and pleasant scent of Fall. The air felt cool and crisp and perfect. My strides lengthened and I was stronger. My mind was stronger, so wonderfully clear and unclouded. Later, throughout the afternoon, I was able to release some things that were bothering me, obstacles that are getting in the way of my ability to love - I have been thinking about that a lot and I have realized that there are a lot of obstacles in my mind that prevent me from loving others the way that God calls me to do. It is strange to me that I was simply unaware of them for such a long time! I think Luke has helped me to see this more clearly as well. He responds to people in a more loving way than I (though I am learning). I think there is some truth in that you must be able to love (or at least accept) yourself to fully love others. I often hold back, for fear of rejection. But not Luke - because he understands his worth comes from God, not from others’ opinions of him. I am beginning to understand that also and, as the scripture says, “the truth will set you free.” Jesus sets us free from our sins (even the sin of self-hatred) and then we are able to love others as we are called to. Not that it’s easy! But we are given the strength and the perseverance the more that we seek after it. I thank God for that. Anyway, to tie these random thoughts together – I think God gives us tools to help us get to where he wants us to be. Perhaps running is one of these tools, if we find that it enables our thoughts to be clearer and settles our troubled emotions. What do you think? | | |
| I have applied for 31 jobs since November 12th. No call backs so far… just a few rejection emails. Which I guess is okay, because I was starting “big” – applying for jobs like: assistant store manager, office manager, and training coordinator. Having no previous management experience (just banking on my degree to generate interest) I was far from guaranteed on any call backs for this type of position. But, more recently, I have started to apply for positions such as department supervisor, shift supervisor, and sales supervisor – a step or two below the assistant store manager position. Have to wait and see if there is any interest there. The next step after that will be to go back to my original plan (which, who knows, may be all for the best anyway) which was to get a general customer service job: bank teller, cashier, call center, etc.
In the meantime, I am grateful to be able to substitute teach. I am working 3-5 days a week (mostly depending on how distraught the previous day's work has left me  ). I wouldn’t say that I like the job itself too much but there are a lot of upsides: short daytime work hours (I don’t have to do all the at home schoolwork that Luke does!), good pay, flexibility (I get to wake up each morning and decide if I want to work that day or not!), no weekend work, etc. Subbing is hard on me psychologically though. All my life I’ve pretty much been able to learn a job, work hard, and do very well at it. But teaching doesn’t work that way, or at least, I haven’t had the training or experience on how to do it yet. I try my best and yet the results are often not the greatest. I mean, I’m sure there are a lot of worse substitutes out there but I hate to feel as if I’m not good at my job, even if it is just a temporary one. And sometimes it does goes pretty well, which is reassuring that not all hope is lost!  I’m still on the lookout for another temp. job in the meantime. I’m considering baby sitting, being a mystery shopping, or doing seasonal work for UPS, among other random things. I won’t complain too much about my situation because, all in all, it is really good and I am very thankful.  The best part is not having the burden of being unemployed hanging over me all the time, where I would be stressing about “needing” to find a job immediately. Thank God for temporary work! But I am trying to learn to be at peace no matter what the situation. I don’t remember how it is written in scripture but basically it says: to learn to be content whether in abundance or in want. When I begin to feel anxious I try to remember that. | | |
| I used to be so unhappy but now I have much more joy. "Where does this joy come from?" I asked myself recently. I thought maybe it was a result of maturing; my mood swings no longer swung me as often into depression. But I don’t think it is that, or at least it is not that alone. I truly believe that my more stable/more joyful outlook on life is to be credited to a “paradigm shift” that happened in my mind and spirit (and continues to happen more each day): the shift from seeking my happiness as the meaning of my life - to seeking God and his ways as the meaning of my life. This shift was only able to happen with the help of the love and guidance of others and with the gradual surrendering of my own resistance. Why do we resist surrendering our lives to the Lord when, in the end, it will bring us and others greater harmony and joy? The answer is obvious – it is a very difficult thing to do, often with us kicking and fighting against ourselves and God the entire way! In every day and every moment of trial I must surrender to God’s peace. And when I am able to do this, I find that his promise holds true that “the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” Life simply has more meaning for me now - and understanding the “larger picture,” even just a little bit, helps me to live better and more intentionally (with a sense of purpose). I certainly don’t have it all figured out but it is enough for me, for this present moment, to accept my understanding for what it is and I do not have a need to pretend that I know more than I do. I would like to have more knowledge and I continue to try to do so but I am no longer striving in the (negative) way that I used to do, the way that felt like there was no meaning and no answers. How lost and confused I used to be! And there are many more who are still caught up in the struggle and who are without hope... I try to find ways to share the hope that I have been given, although I am still not sure how to do so (perhaps more on that in another entry).
Praise be to God, for I was lost but now am found!
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Our stellar team: Luke, me, Alan, and Alex!
The stencil Luke made, which looked great on our shirts - and the Lumina! 
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| I just got back from an ultimate league game. I sometimes wonder if I’m out of my LEAGUE playing in it – I mean, these people are serious! It is SO different from pick-up frisbee – there is a lot of strategy and planned plays. A typical play might sound *something* like this (I don't really have all the terms used correctly so, true ultimate experts, please forgive me):
“Okay, we’re doing zone – Josh, Jeff, and Elise do cup. Force home. Alan, you play swing and drop. Julz, be ready for the dump. Angela, you’re a deep. (Meaning: Stay on the sidelines but run up and down the field randomly until we tell you to stop, but we’re not gonna throw to you.) Josh is apex. When we yell “Elvis” the disc goes to Nate.”
I swear I am NOT making this up. Haha. Okay, I am exaggerating - playing in the league is not really going THAT badly. Occasionally I even do something RIGHT. And the folks on my team are actually are very kind and encouraging. But I am soo lost sometimes (most of the time?!?!). Luke wants to play on the Spring league… I haven’t decided if I am skilled enough to become competitive at that level. Perhaps I should try it at least one more time anyway… no matter how much I suck in a game, I cannot deny the irresistible pull towards the disc. Even in the same instant when I am thinking, “Please DON’T throw it to ME!” I am sprinting to get open and yelling for the disc. What is this apparent contradiction? It’s just an ADDICTION to ultimate - skill level not withstanding, apparently. | | |
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